Today has been so bad....I've eaten lots!

Breakfast = banana and yogurt
Lunch = sushi (245cals) and an apple
Dinner = leek and potato soup (2bowls)

snacks = apple, fruit salad and slice of toast

I feel soo disgusting and depressed. I was doing so well last week and now today I have failed! I'm also really stressed due to studying and worry about how i'm going to lose weight before the formal. I just can't keep going, I need to stop.

Heading out now, so i'm hoping not to eat anything else the rest of the night, then hopefully fast tomorrow (Liquids only).

Well today is day 1! Woke up this morning around 8:15am, had a black coffee and a glass of non-fat milk, then went for a run! When I got back, I got a shower and then settled down to revision. Since then I have had a black coffee, organe juice, and tea! Going to get out of the hosue for a bit at around 3 so I wont be distracted by the food around me. Then we I get back, its back to revision. Hoping not to eat anything else the rest of the day! Strickly water and tea/coffee. Maybe do 10mins on the cross trainer before bed!

Anyways, so far today is going well! Hopefully the rest of the day will just be as good!
Stay Strong!
xox

Well I survived the first exam and my birthday! Although we went out for dinner, I managed to eat very little of my meal, I simply passed it around the plate! So I was happy!! But then we went out to a club and well I was bought loads of drinks, so I got loads of calories from the drinks. However I managed to work some off dancing!! Yay!

Today I am exhausted and I feel soo sick! Which in a way is good, cause i'm not eating as much but I hate feeling sick. I'm trying to revise for my next exam and well I can't concentrate so much due to being really tired and feeling sick!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! Hoping to get up in the morning and go for a run, then when I get back its straight into revision! Going to try to fast tomorrow and just have liquids (water, tea, coffee, diet coke) if I can.

I've eaten today alittle and I feel really guiltly that I have! I am failing everyday! I just feel so depressed, I don't understand why i'm such a failure. I don't need to eat, I'm so fat my body doesn't deserve food. This eating has to stop.

Everyday I wake up and I want this to be over. I want to just be "normal", to just eat and be happy. BUT you know i'm happy not eating. This is my punishment. FOOD is a weakness. I MUST be strong and RESIST.

Going to go get a bath now, then bed.
Laters

I actually don't know where to start!!

The past few days have just been a binge fest!! I have put on soo much weight its unbelievable.

Its 1 day until my final and I feel like I know nothing!! This is really bad!!

Right now, I just feel like I'm no good at anything. I mean i'm not going to do well in my exams, and there is actually nothing out there that I am good at.

I have no actually hobbies. I have managed to isolate myself from everything and everyone. I take part in little to nothing. I actually am useless!!

Anyways enough of my rant. If i'm going to get any marks on Tuesday I oppose I should get back to my revision. Time is precious!

=[

Okay so its now two days until the exam and my 21st!! Either way I'm screwed! I have soo much work to do still for the exam and because i've been uber stressed I've eaten loads and I know i've put on sooo much weight from all the food.

I have plans to go out and celebrate my Birthday but 1. that mean having dinner. Ulgh! 2. Going out and looking like a complete fat mess!!

I'm going away for 3days with my boyfriend to relax after the exams so I MUST lose weight for then! A whole weekend of eating food...ahhhhh!!!! I'm going to put on loads of weight that weekend so I figure as soon as the exams are over i'm majorly fasting until I leave and going to the gym on a daily basis!!

My first exam is on Tuesday and because its also my Birthday my family have planned to go out for dinner on the Saturday following. Yet again more FOOD!!!! So my plan is to go to the gym wed, thurs, fri and sat plus either restrict to 400cals or fast those days. Fasting will be difficult as I still have to revise so I might have to just stick with the restriction, however in this case I will push myself harder at the gym in order to compenstate.

Exhausted and Stressed right now so going to bed!! Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!! *hopes*

=[

Morning!

Its 10.24am and I'm about to start into revision for the day! Joys!!

The plan for today is to revise all of the nervous tissue then take a short break (1hr, maybe go for a walk) then revise epithelial tissue!

Today is also the day when I start my restriction/liquid fast! The plan is to have a good breakfast; setting my metabolism up for the day, then to liquid fast for the reminder of the day!

so far today;

Breakfast: Bowl of cereal; Special K with semi-skimmed milk ( as I don't have any skimmed milk left until I hit the shops), glass of orange and two cups of coffee!

Anyways to revision I must go!! Shall report later on how the rest of the day is going!

=]

Seems like forever since I posted last, I guess its been difficult finding the time being final year and everything.

Anyways i'm in the middle of revising for my finals...last year at uni...so sad!! But i'm hoping to remain a student for awhile yet whoop!! As you have probably guessed revision = stress...which = me eating loads of both "heathy" food along with alot of crap!!! Its sooo not good!!! Everything is pretty much getting me down right now. I'm stressing big time about these exams and my inceared eating is meaning by the time i'm done I will be even more obese that when I started!!!!!

My plan was to wait until after the exams before I fasted and inceased the excerise but I thinks I shall begin with restricting from now, that I way I will put less on whilst studying and will hopefully be more on track for when I finish!!!

I have two formals coming up in two months time and I need to lose weight majorly before then!!! I am also going away with my boyfriend at the end of the month and I need to lose weight before then because when i'm away with him I will have to eat all of the time!! =[ (he knows about my ed so if I didn't eat he would probably get worried and I really don't want to ruin the weekend for him).

For now I'm off to get a shower and head to bed!! Uber stressed tonight so I think I should just sleep it off and get up bright and early to begin a new day tomorrow of restriction and study, study, study!!!

=[

So far today is going okay. Its now 14:37 and all I have eaten is 1slice of granary toast (84als), some coffee (6cals), a banana (85cals), can of diet coke (1.5cals) and some tea (ocals); overall thats a total of 175cals today which is okay i guess. My aim today is to keep my calorie intake to anything below 400cals. Hopefully i'l suceed!!

Currently sitting in the library doing some much needed revision, since there is no food here I can't be tempted to eat anything. However I am going home at around 4:30pm which is going to be tough, as I just know my parents and my sister will be on at me to eat something for dinner. I figure il just say that I had a large lunch with friends (even though I didn't) adn then just have a cup of soup (83cals) or some lential soup (194cals) if they pursist which would bring my total for today to 258cals or 369cals respectively!

Wish me luck! I really need to loss weight, went shopping today and it was tight getting into size 8 jeans (although I managed it in the end)....RAGE!!!!!!!!!

Thin is Beautiful!!
Stay Strong
<3 xx

do you ever just wake up and want it all to end, for it to be over and for you to be normal. Thats how i woke up this morning.

For the past four days i've been eating literally 1apple and perhaps a banana a day. I'm not tired, weak or anything, infact i'm stronger than I have been in while, but even though i'm not hungry at all or the fact that i have one bite and I don't want anything more is oddly satisfying to me, i still feel so down and depressed. I want this life to be over, i just can't talk it anymore. But even though i want this, i know il never have it. Everytime I eat or even think about eating I feel so guilty and angry at myself. This is my control.

I stayed at my boyfriends last night and this morning he suggested getting pancakes. Pancakes...just think of the calories. Anyways all morning I lay there thinking about how i could get out of eating plancakes, avoiding the calories. But no matter how much i lied, even pretending that i didn't feel well, he still managed to have pancakes. Granted I didn't eat all three, but still. Anyways for the rest of the day, all i could think about was getting home so i could 1. figure out how many calories i had just consumed and 2. to do some excerise to get rid of the calories i had just had. It worked out that a stack of three pancakes is 423cals. So i guess thats around 350ish for the two i did eat, Grrr i was doing so well to.=[

Anyways going back to water tomorrow and continuing for the rest of the week, so hopefully il still get closer to my goal.

Also have 3 formals coming up, so i definitly need to lose weight for that!! eek!! went dress shopping yesterday and i seen afew that i liked but i look so fat in them all!! I guess this gives me something to work towards!! whooop!!

anyways writing this has kinda cleared my head and i think i shall go some excerise now! go me, i guess!!

stay strong!
xxx

okay so yet again I find myself in the same situation over and over again!

Back at uni now, so im not eating as much during the day which is great, then at night i'm doing work which is also great because then i don't eat so much.

Max. calorie intake per day over the past week or so has been about 300cals! excluding yesterday and today which have been prob closer to the 1000cal mark than anything else!

so anyways, over that past week i have been literally faling apart! i find myself lying in my room crying and its just got to the point where i actually just don't want to be here any more!

Last night we went out, its was good, but i came home really early and went to bed. I self harmed alittle, but then feel asleep. then this morning i wake up and finish what i started the night before! result is that i now have cuts all down my arm! Rentals and sister and sisters friend are coming over to the house later! how the hell am i going to keep this covered! i'm terrified that they will notice and then withdraw me from the house and insitutionalise me! grrr!!

basically today has consisted of me eating and eating! walked to the shop but bought something and ate it on the way home! my weight is rising again and i don't feel i'm in control anymore! I mean i go for days without eating and then i binge, but i'm binging on fruit to the point where the pain in my stomach kills due to the acid!

When i walk to uni in the mornings i feel the strain on my muscles, i feel my chest tighten and its all because i'm not eating! but i can't eat!

eating means putting on weight, it means imperfection! i want to be perfect, i want to be weightless! and no-one understands me at all!

Right now i feel trapped!! This thing that has grasped a hold one me, is ulimately going to lead me to my death! i'm terrified!

I wish i could just disappear...become invisible to the world!

I'm back!!

Not sure how long its been since I last posted but I'm back! whoop!

The beginning of this week; Sunday began a new beginning for me! I'm tired of fasting then binging, fasting then binging! soo its going to be 100% fasting/80%fasting, with 20% food! Basically the past 3days I have had approx. 400cals a day although, today its been 200cals, yay, and i'm now going to work so wont be eating anything else the rest of the day! I feel soo energised! Take yesterday for example, I was working all day and when lunch time arrived I had to eat something as I work with my causin and she always goes on to me about my eating, so i had some melon and a fat free yogurt; 75cals! anwyays i had half the yogurt and I felt soo full it made me feel ill, it was amazing, I didn't even have to force myself not to eat the rest of the yogurt, i simply didn't want it! Even today, I don't even feel hungry! Hope it continues, that way I can finialy reach my goal! whoop! I think my parents and best friend are starting to notice though, because i never eat in the evening or around them! eek! Not sure if i've lost any weight as yet, going to weight myself on sunday! although my bones are starting to show more, i love it!! finally getting to see my hip bones and collar bones....bottom line is I need to reach my goal asap, as its my boyfriends birthday soon and I want to wear a really nice dress...even though I know il still look fat in it and i'm always going to be too fat! depresses me knowing that i'm never going to be just thin enough!

grr...why is it everytime i get stressed out over exams etc, i seem to eat much more than usual...even though you would think that because i'm snowed under with work that i wouldn't have time too..dam it! i just know from now until the exams are over i'm going to have put on loads, by which stage it will be the summer here and il still not be thin enough! dam it dam it dam it...

i just feel so depressed about everything at the moment, between not sticking to my rules about what i can eat and the calories i can consume and stressing over exams and thinking about how im never going to get everything done in time and fail...

I need to focus more...ensuring that Im burning more calories than i'm consuming and sticking to a maximum of 200cals per day stetching to 300cals due to need to concentrate on studying...although 200cals would be better since i can't get to do as much excerise as i would like to at the moment...

I have a strange feeling my parents are on to me again but hey il just have to try hard to hide this from them...they cant find out...i wont let them find out...

plus i have a new guy in my life at the moment and I really want things to work out so its a must that he doesn't find out about my ed...

on the guy from we are having pizza at the weekend...and il have to eat some to ensure he doesnt think anything...ahh reckon if i just cut my calories for the next day and do a longer period of exercise it should balance out...perhaps...

anyways posst soon again with progress...
stay strong
xx

Im not sure if these will attach correctly as its my first time posting, thought i would give it a try.

I'm Ellie btw. just thought I would post some thinspo, i'm new to this community!

Stay strong
xx

fed up, depressed, annoyed, fustrated...is how i feel right now...I'm completely gross, its like no matter how much I diet, how much a eat nothing and live on water alone, i'm still grossly fat...its rediculous...I just want to reach my goal..I want to be air...

its just so dam hard to keep going and pushing forward when I just don't seem to be getting anywhere...

anyways regardless im going to keep trying...

starting from tomorrow, i've decided that i'm going to fast for a week...my hoodia tablets arrived so i'm hoping those will work...I also have a lot of revision to keep my occupied...fasting shall be accompanied with a hell of alot of exercise...

well wish me luck...as this new week begins!

ily